Wednesday, 5 July 2017

First Step

       Lets start all over again. I am keep on falling and today is the hundreds days again I get up to start all over again. I asked a friend to help me unwind what I am looking for. Does Solat is the answer to everything? So, she said,

       "Whatever happen, take care of your Solat. Soon or later you will see how the prayers will help me out. In this world, everyone is being tested, no matter how small and how big it is. The world is temporary and the the life after death (Akhirat) is everlasting. Keep on doing good deeds and choose to be good. No matter what we received from others, always always and ALWAYS do good. Always choose things that He will Redho or please."

          "Hijrah" is the word for me to be a better me. May be I need to be out of here which is too much exposure and influences of "not near to Him" kind of people and the easy access to drugs and alcohol. These kind of people are not bad. Me myself also a SINNER. I just need to find the answer. These kind of people are much more good quality of human than other conservative people that I have ever meet. The conservative people are not open minded people and judgmental people and also they have bad mouths. May be I have not meet a good conservative people. But I can not be out of here as soon as possible. I have to remain here and stay for a while. I have to keep on telling myself that I have to hang in there.

            The first step today is to read Al - Ma'surath as I could not perform my prayer today. I want to explore what in it.

           In the surah Al- Baqarah , in the third verse 
الَّذِينَ يُؤْمِنُونَ بِالْغَيْبِ وَيُقِيمُونَ الصَّلَاةَ وَمِمَّا رَزَقْنَاهُمْ يُنفِقُونَ 2:3

"Who believe in the unseen, establish prayer, and spend out of what We have provided for them,"


           I was asking myself today where is God. He showed me with this verse. God is unseen and I have to belief with His existence but He is not even one alike with His creations. He is UNSEEN. Today is my first day of journey. I will continue my journey in finding God. 
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       Where is God when I am looking for Him. What is the purpose of life? I am searching and I am still looking. I am still clueless. This phase of life makes me looking for the answer, I am still not giving up or I just don't know. I am in need of help. I have tried so much but the emptiness still creeping me inside. The conservatives will say "Just go and pray and you will find the answer". I prayed but I am still here could not understand what is the answer towards my questions. So, this journey will begin. I am still on my way for looking a solid answer.
        I am studying through books, stay up all night and yet the answer is not there. I learned that I have to keep on hoping as I will gain rewards in the future after this hardship. It has been years I am in this struggle, I am crawling and I am so afraid of tomorrow. I am still in hardship and I want to get out from this mess.
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